Have a Seat and Stay a While

I’m having to make a lot of adjustments to the way I do things. I did the math the other day, and realized that I have picked up and moved thirteen times in less than six years (or fourteen or fifteen times depending on how you count). Save some mementos and books, there is very little I own today that is more than a couple years old, that I didn’t sell or give away. Not that I had so much to sell or give to begin with. I feel like it puts me in a different world, lacking basic needs and confidence in my own security. Even food and sleep are things I have good precedent not to count on. I’ve lived in four completely different cultures in as many years. Even my name itself has changed some three times since it was given to me. I am loath to ask for pity, but I know these facts must strongly impact how I engage with others and my surroundings, how I perceive myself and others, and a host of other facets that make up “who I am.”

It has been brought up a couple times since I’ve been here in Boston that it is odd I don’t have a phone. As big of a tech junkie as I am, I know it isn’t because of some Luddite elitism. Money is always a factor, but thinking about it now, could it be that I have simply just presumed subconsciously that I would never stay somewhere long enough to put down roots to need one? Now that I’m supposed to stay here for a few years, I’ve recognized I’m due for some introspection and reassessment.

The notion that I will live in this same house for the next few years makes me very anxious, like a claustrophobic. I already want to plan my next escape, to be able to run away at the drop of a hat. I have certainly done my share of running away in the past, and have a seemingly unquenchable thirst for independence. Maybe these things are hereditary. Maybe this is why I love the Church so much. While I feel like a stranger wherever I go, like I’m in it alone most of the time, wherever I go and find a good piece of Church, I know I can find a feeling of home there, that I’m a part of something, and that isn’t conditional.

Is it good to be able to just pick up and leave everything behind—family, friends, lovers, possessions, my very name? What does it mean to want to, and feel anxious if I don’t? Is this from fear, an escapist mentality, some extreme method of coping with deep psychological distress? Or could it be quite the opposite, the command of the Lord to give up everything down to my name, becoming my second nature. It is clear to me that this disconnect I sense hasn’t affected my emotional distance from strangers. Maybe this distance, counter intuitively, is what makes it so easy for me to love strangers and want to help them, or at least better identify with them in want. Maybe these alternatives need not be so dichotomized and perhaps one really leads to the other. Maybe I’m rationalizing.

At any rate, even Jesus had a strong group of friends. The notion that Jesus’ ministry with his disciples fit into a niche of contemporary itinerate outcast healers and sophists has been, to my relief, effectively challenged on the grounds of the socioeconomic demography of Galilee in first century CE. To my credit, I certainly have no shortage of outgoingness in certain contexts, and I suppose now would be the time to capitalize on that. I don’t expect these feelings of distance and separation to change quickly, especially having taken place during these most formative years of my life, but I hope that eventually healthy adjustments will be possible. Like I’ve often felt when I pick up to go, the task now becomes discerning what needs forgetting, and what has become too much a part of me to leave behind.

What Took Me So Long...Plus a Great Resource for Biblical Languages!

I neglected to mention why I've been away from my blog in the last post. It was because I was doing a year’s worth of Biblical Hebrew (the language of the Old Testament/Hebrew Bible) in 56 days! Along with a few other responsibilities, it kept me very busy. The class was a blast, my classmates were very engaging, the professor was very down to Earth and made the course fun, and of course, like Greek was, it’s thrilling learning the language of the Scriptures! I’ll continue taking more Hebrew during the year, potentially until I finish my Master’s, but I theoretically know all the grammar now, and have already translated the book of Jonah, and other passages.

When the summer term finished I remembered that, at one point, I had a Greek paradigm cheat sheet. Recalling how useful it was for a quick parsing reference, I began to scour the Internet for a Hebrew equivalent to stay fresh. After digging for a bit, I located the perfect resource, and for students of both Greek and Hebrew alike! It turns out Logos Bible Software makes the perfect paradigm charts for quick reference, and you can download and print the PDF version completely free! Grab them here. Pretty nice right?

New Directions

The precursor to this blog began about two years ago now in the form of a support letter for funds, prayers and other help to get me to Israel in order to, in my own small way, reflect to others God’s love for me in the form of a sincere love to those who would otherwise be called my enemies, and in so doing, show that such a radical notion of reconciliation and love is, indeed, “Just Crazy Enough to Work.” I continued to produce updates on my progress toward this end in the form of monthly newsletters, and a gradual transition to sending news, reflections, and needs solely through the medium of this blog. Well, as you hopefully know by this time, I have returned to America and plan to remain here, at the very least, for one school year. So, a few adjustments are in order.

I have given a great deal of thought as to how best continue this blog. Should I begin to attempt attracting a larger audience, or simply write as I feel compelled to? How intimate and personal shall I allow these blogs to become? I have resisted publishing a number of blogs because of how intimate they are in relation to their relevance to what has been, until now, the focus and purpose of this blog. I would not compare myself to Mother Theresa beyond this analogy, but I feel like people can be surprised at the humanity of spiritual figures, including ministers, among whom I humbly tuck myself. The reactions to the diaries of Mother Theresa, released posthumously, and against her wishes, seemed to indicate that people expect such figures to lack vices, rise above a quotidian humanity, eradicate doubt, and purge themselves of despair. As revealed by her diaries, this was not the case for her, and certainly is not for me. Will this blog become a place for that? Should I begin developing and expressing my opinion more? I have only tested these waters in a few recent posts. On the one hand, I fear alienating my few loyal readers or even disappointing people if they find out what I truly believe. While on the other hand I feel there are a number of people expecting me to offer something of an “expert” opinion on certain matters from which I have perhaps withheld voicing an opinion. I know that I certainly wish to convey no opinion in such a way that love is not my primary message, and that as a Christian I hope to demonstrate sincere love to every party across the array of opinions; this could be especially difficult, and all the more if people do not read knowing this is a goal of mine.

Change is in order, what form it takes I hope we can explore together. I certainly have a few more blogs to write about my time in the Middle East and I do expect to return to consistently updating this blog. I hope you will enjoy it and will feel free to engage with me as well.