"How was it?"

I should probably say first thing that I'm very happy to be received back by everyone and I hope I don't cause any kind of embarrassment to anyone by writing this out. It’s the question everybody asks, and I'm mostly reflecting on why it's so hard to answer.

The surreal feeling that I have experienced since landing in America is fading somewhat now, but in some ways I don’t think it will ever disappear. I have been using jet lag as my excuse for why I often feel disoriented or seem to zone out into space, but like I observed after moving to Bethlehem, it will probably require more than sleep adjustment to be fully resolved. I am also attempting to discern how much of this is strange but expected and normal granting reverse culture shock and how I am received at home, and how much is strange but not quite as normal being the product of certain experiences in the Middle East and the enduring life issues I have been addressing (many of which were waiting for me here). Whether this mental fog ever lifts, turns me into some mystic, or disappears and becomes a part of me that flavors my life as I’m praying it will, is too early to tell. It is very scary though.

It feels as though the day I left, one year ago now, I stepped into a time machine freeing me from the time and space of things here in California. I then spent one year accomplishing all the work I have undertaken, and then, as if not a day had passed here in California, I jumped back into this world. My reception so far upon returning, though I had very few expectations, has offered competing evidence for both my time machine theory, among more traditional ones. The most common question, which seems obvious, has been, “how was it?” But it’s a terribly confining one, because it doesn’t illicit a more detailed response than “it was ____.” It was good, it was terrible, it was beautiful, it was repugnant, it was faith destroying, it was seeing the face of God, it was life changing, it was normal; I could probably speak for hours about how it was any of these without contradicting another. “How was it?” is the same question people ask about a dentist’s appointment, a weekend vacation, or a week long missions trip, and probably the question someone might ask if I had stepped in a time machine and, in their time, appeared the next day. Part of the difficulty I’m sure is there is really no normal question to ask, it’s probably a task no easier than it is for me to answer “how was it?” in a word. After the initial fumbling over the question it seems that within a few minutes things return to how they were before I left; but even if there was no time machine, how else would people act but normally?

Perhaps in some way, “how was it?” is the question people would put to the Justin they knew before I left, and the hesitation is around discerning if I’m the same person. When I respond as a normal person, without some saintly missionary reply, the social dynamic returns to me being the same down to earth Justin as before I left, almost as if I hadn’t. I guess what I mean by a lot of this is that I am very much the same in most places that people might look for change or be concerned about, but there are many changes and fresh avenues for engagement, conversation, etc. “So tell me what it’s like to watch a child die?” is certainly a question I couldn’t meaningfully respond to before I left, and asked in the right way, is probably one I could answer more clearly than “how was it?”

The other implication is asking in past tense, which while again seeming like common sense, isn’t the way it feels to me. Geographically I suppose I am distant from where the aspects of my work that garners the greatest attention are accomplished, but I am still living it now. I feel no more separated from the experience here, and I am certainly still processing many things. You mean, “how is it?” Uncertainty about whether I will go back is probably due to my vagueness on the subject, but it’s something you get used to working in the Middle East that I realize doesn’t translate well back here. I am trying to go back, probably in early February. Whether or not I will be allowed into the country, how long I’ll be allowed in for, and detailed specifics about the work I will do there in the future is largely out of my control. Enshallah (God willing, or as God wills), is the best I can offer right now.